In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
- Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
- Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
- Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
- Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
- Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives.
- James Boswell "Life of Johnson"

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.
- Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.
- Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.
- Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
- Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin!
- Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
- Al Bundy

I hate work. That's why I got married.
- Peg Bundy

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with.
- Peg Bundy

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
- Archie Bunker

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
- Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
- Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
- S. T. Coleridge